As a response to Here and Now, I’m a little afraid of the here and now. It’s the brutal chastising silence which does it. I have read a lot about finding peace and living in the moment, it’s a big spiritual guidepost, to just be engaged in the actual moment that you are living in. For example if you are polishing your shoe, then be fully present in that endeavour, noticing the smells, the reflections, how the shoe feels, how the buffer feels and notice your breathing.
Just being in the here and now can often lead to moments of internationalisation, which in turn can lead to questions which I just don’t have the answer to.
That’s all well and good and I have found rare swatches of peace in those moments, but it’s like muscle, you really have to train yourself to be there. But along the with peace which I usually find in the initial moments of moment-being, comes those moments of terror from being in the here and now and I’m speaking of personal experiences only of course. Just being in the here and now can often lead to moments of internationalisation, which in turn can lead to questions which I just don’t have the answer to.
Those deep kind of questions like who am I? What’s my purpose? Why have I not been able to change a particular trait or habit that I don’t like about myself? When am I going to write that damn novel? That’s when it all gets a little scary. It’s those moments when you are judging yourself, facing up to all of your failures and fears, which are more likely than not self imposed. It is why keeping busy with distractions like work, blog, running (I have music when I run so that I don’t think too much) and making another pot of coffee, all allows me to avoid facing up to myself, the person inside that I don’t know very well at all.
It is a little scary staring at yourself and asking why you aren’t the way you want to be. What I mean by that is that I run on habit, on behaviour patterns in my character that have been formulated by childhood or environment and it’s hard to escape them. It’s hard not to chastise yourself for not having escaped them. So in most of the moments in my life I’m sure I’ve not experienced or even been remotely aware of who I really am. I have kind of just blown along life a leaf in the gutter at the mercy of the wind. It’s all the unknowns abound that get a little prickly sometimes when I stop, breath and embrace the here and now.
Maybe I’m allergic to my own self awareness or something.
Honestly, when I’ve tried mediation, and trust me I have tried it time and time again, I get panicked. I can’t relax. It’s when I try and unwind that my heart starts beating harder, that I become a little paranoid. It is when I notice noises that I would never have done before and the stresses kicks in and I can not relax. I can’t be in that here and now. Maybe I’m allergic to my own self awareness or something.
But it’s not all bad. There’s always a silver lining and all that, because one way I’ve dealt with those moments of looking at myself is through writing. I will sometimes get a spark when I’m quiet, it may be a dark spark of something that I’m fearful of about myself which rises to the surface, but that’s OK. I can turn it into something positive of then taking that and moving into a major moment when I have been so engaged in writing a story, that I have become a character that I am writing about, have been transported to a whole different world to the one that I physically occupy.
These are the great moments of being in-tune with the moment for me, and I guess in a way, there are parts of the real me coming out in the words that I get out. A little bit of me is each character perhaps, because most of them go against the grain of who I behave as.
I guess I’m either not that spiritual or I’m just a coward and don’t want to really look at myself all that hard by being in the moment too often. I can disguise my foibles as those of other characters. Either way, it is hard to find actual peace in the here and now. I have a whole catalog of characters which can attest to that.